Love. Sexuality. Gender.

This post will be about my crushes and love relationships as well as my gender identity.

When I was 7 years old, I had my first crush ever. I was a 7 year old boy trapped in female body and I was confused over my body - I had just learned my body really was different from other boys' bodies. So I was really feeling shy in front of her, because I knew she would get me wrong. But I didn't let that bother me - I remember telling my mother, that I would marry that girl one day.

When I was 8 years old, I had my first crush on a boy. The difference between these crushes was, that when I had the crush on this woman, I wanted to marry her. But when I had this "crush" on this boy, I wanted to be like him. I spent time with him, we were best friends for a while and we used to play together. He was the one, who stopped others from teasing me - he was the one who got bullied because of me, too.

When I was 9 years old, I got to learn what it feels like to know someone likes you - like that. I didn't like about that - and it wasn't because I didn't like him, too, but because I didn't feel like he liked me. He liked about someone he thought I was. I didn't feel like I was the girl he was always talking about. I never wanted to be anyone's girlfriend - all I wanted was to be someone's boyfriend.

When I hit puberty, I understood my body was wrong kind. I didn't know how to deal with all the changes that were happening - and when I found myself having a crush on a woman, who always called me a "young woman" or "girl" or called my birth name... it made me want to die. I wanted her to call me by the right name I already had chosen. I knew, what would my name be, when I was 13-14 years old. I knew it, but I was too scared to talk about it. I planned telling my name to the woman I had a crush on, but I never did. She knows now, she understands now - she probably knows I had a crush on her, too, and that makes me feel kind of confused. I didn't want her to learn about that.

Few years later, I had the first crush on someone while I knew who I was. I was sure that I would get her as my girlfriend, and I dreamed about that always. I talked about her to my mother, I also made her understand I didn't want a girl-girl relationship because I wasn't girl. I also came out to my father, but he didn't listen to me. He didn't want to understand and he decided I was gay.

Few years later, I started using my real name. I came out to the girl I liked and we got closer. Instead of getting in relationship with her, I got together with another girl who seemed to like about me and accept me. But she didn't. All she wanted, was to make me understand I was gay. She wanted to show me I could be happy, living my life as a female. I almost ended up killing myself. So I left, I throw her out of my apartment, and got another crush on the previous girl. We got closer, but again, I ended up getting together with an another girl. This time an foreign girl who only wanted to try out something new - she was madly in love with another while we were together - and so was I. I actually was together with her, while I had two other crushes and a doctor trying to hit on me.

Next stop was to find a guy who thought we could have a future together. He wanted to come to my house, stay over night - sleeping in my bed, of course - and have me as his girl friend. He told me he wanted everything that I got, nothing that I was not. But he didn't understand he was talking to an another guy. I was damn scared of him, because I knew he could get in my town any night. He told me I had to choose - to be with him, or to talk about my feelings to my crush, who happened to be the one I mentioned before those other two girls, again. And when I disagreed with him, he wanted to get together with my crush! Yes, that bastard really said that out loud - not even knowing who I liked about, asking me to introduce them. He also was the first guy to ever beat me up after he found out I was a trans man. He was the one to teach me to fight so I knew what to do when the one, who tried to kill me, attacked me.

Those were the times when I thought I would always be alone. That I would never find a loving girlfriend who would really like about me, because of the true me. But here I am, sharing my home with the most awesome girl I've ever met. She made me feel like the man I was supposed to be, even before I started my transition. She's trying to understand me and my mood swings - even the high libido. When she's looking at me, she sees the most handsome man in this wold, and she never forgets to tell what she does see. She is my fiancee, the girl I will get married with.