Honestly

Honestly, I'm really pissed off.

I was in that surgery line for a ONE FUCKING YEAR! You can't just drop me off of the line and tell me that you can think about the surgery again in the December - of 2012! And then, the doctor I was about to go and have a chat with - about this situation - isn't working in the hospital anymore! Like.. Where the fuck did you go!? Get your ass back here and tell me what is going on in this hospital!

Honestly, I'm really depressed

I don't want to see myself and I don't want anyone else to see me either. I don't want to feel myself, but I can't runaway from my own body, I'm attached to it and that makes me want to puke. It makes me want to curl up in fetal position and cry so hard I can't even breathe - because I don't want to breathe no more. I don't want to touch myself, anywhere in my body.. and even the touch of my fiancee's feels different.

Honestly, I'm standing on the edge, getting ready for the goodbyes.

But the truth is, right now I'm too strong to leave this world. I was born to fight through the hard times, I was born to survive. And that is why I'm doing something I normally would never do. I'm asking people to send me some money for my surgery with the private surgeon. My thoughts of asking money for surgeries like this is pretty much same as begging money for a brand new car - but the public health care just didn't leave me a change. Either I get the surgery on the March - or someone has to save me.