Honestly, I'm really pissed off.
I was in that surgery line for a ONE FUCKING YEAR! You can't just drop me off of the line and tell me that you can think about the surgery again in the December - of 2012! And then, the doctor I was about to go and have a chat with - about this situation - isn't working in the hospital anymore! Like.. Where the fuck did you go!? Get your ass back here and tell me what is going on in this hospital!
Honestly, I'm really depressed
I don't want to see myself and I don't want anyone else to see me either. I don't want to feel myself, but I can't runaway from my own body, I'm attached to it and that makes me want to puke. It makes me want to curl up in fetal position and cry so hard I can't even breathe - because I don't want to breathe no more. I don't want to touch myself, anywhere in my body.. and even the touch of my fiancee's feels different.
Honestly, I'm standing on the edge, getting ready for the goodbyes.
But the truth is, right now I'm too strong to leave this world. I was born to fight through the hard times, I was born to survive. And that is why I'm doing something I normally would never do. I'm asking people to send me some money for my surgery with the private surgeon. My thoughts of asking money for surgeries like this is pretty much same as begging money for a brand new car - but the public health care just didn't leave me a change. Either I get the surgery on the March - or someone has to save me.
lauantai 12. marraskuuta 2011
keskiviikko 26. lokakuuta 2011
Love. Sexuality. Gender.
This post will be about my crushes and love relationships as well as my gender identity.
When I was 7 years old, I had my first crush ever. I was a 7 year old boy trapped in female body and I was confused over my body - I had just learned my body really was different from other boys' bodies. So I was really feeling shy in front of her, because I knew she would get me wrong. But I didn't let that bother me - I remember telling my mother, that I would marry that girl one day.
When I was 8 years old, I had my first crush on a boy. The difference between these crushes was, that when I had the crush on this woman, I wanted to marry her. But when I had this "crush" on this boy, I wanted to be like him. I spent time with him, we were best friends for a while and we used to play together. He was the one, who stopped others from teasing me - he was the one who got bullied because of me, too.
When I was 9 years old, I got to learn what it feels like to know someone likes you - like that. I didn't like about that - and it wasn't because I didn't like him, too, but because I didn't feel like he liked me. He liked about someone he thought I was. I didn't feel like I was the girl he was always talking about. I never wanted to be anyone's girlfriend - all I wanted was to be someone's boyfriend.
When I hit puberty, I understood my body was wrong kind. I didn't know how to deal with all the changes that were happening - and when I found myself having a crush on a woman, who always called me a "young woman" or "girl" or called my birth name... it made me want to die. I wanted her to call me by the right name I already had chosen. I knew, what would my name be, when I was 13-14 years old. I knew it, but I was too scared to talk about it. I planned telling my name to the woman I had a crush on, but I never did. She knows now, she understands now - she probably knows I had a crush on her, too, and that makes me feel kind of confused. I didn't want her to learn about that.
Few years later, I had the first crush on someone while I knew who I was. I was sure that I would get her as my girlfriend, and I dreamed about that always. I talked about her to my mother, I also made her understand I didn't want a girl-girl relationship because I wasn't girl. I also came out to my father, but he didn't listen to me. He didn't want to understand and he decided I was gay.
Few years later, I started using my real name. I came out to the girl I liked and we got closer. Instead of getting in relationship with her, I got together with another girl who seemed to like about me and accept me. But she didn't. All she wanted, was to make me understand I was gay. She wanted to show me I could be happy, living my life as a female. I almost ended up killing myself. So I left, I throw her out of my apartment, and got another crush on the previous girl. We got closer, but again, I ended up getting together with an another girl. This time an foreign girl who only wanted to try out something new - she was madly in love with another while we were together - and so was I. I actually was together with her, while I had two other crushes and a doctor trying to hit on me.
Next stop was to find a guy who thought we could have a future together. He wanted to come to my house, stay over night - sleeping in my bed, of course - and have me as his girl friend. He told me he wanted everything that I got, nothing that I was not. But he didn't understand he was talking to an another guy. I was damn scared of him, because I knew he could get in my town any night. He told me I had to choose - to be with him, or to talk about my feelings to my crush, who happened to be the one I mentioned before those other two girls, again. And when I disagreed with him, he wanted to get together with my crush! Yes, that bastard really said that out loud - not even knowing who I liked about, asking me to introduce them. He also was the first guy to ever beat me up after he found out I was a trans man. He was the one to teach me to fight so I knew what to do when the one, who tried to kill me, attacked me.
Those were the times when I thought I would always be alone. That I would never find a loving girlfriend who would really like about me, because of the true me. But here I am, sharing my home with the most awesome girl I've ever met. She made me feel like the man I was supposed to be, even before I started my transition. She's trying to understand me and my mood swings - even the high libido. When she's looking at me, she sees the most handsome man in this wold, and she never forgets to tell what she does see. She is my fiancee, the girl I will get married with.
When I was 7 years old, I had my first crush ever. I was a 7 year old boy trapped in female body and I was confused over my body - I had just learned my body really was different from other boys' bodies. So I was really feeling shy in front of her, because I knew she would get me wrong. But I didn't let that bother me - I remember telling my mother, that I would marry that girl one day.
When I was 8 years old, I had my first crush on a boy. The difference between these crushes was, that when I had the crush on this woman, I wanted to marry her. But when I had this "crush" on this boy, I wanted to be like him. I spent time with him, we were best friends for a while and we used to play together. He was the one, who stopped others from teasing me - he was the one who got bullied because of me, too.
When I was 9 years old, I got to learn what it feels like to know someone likes you - like that. I didn't like about that - and it wasn't because I didn't like him, too, but because I didn't feel like he liked me. He liked about someone he thought I was. I didn't feel like I was the girl he was always talking about. I never wanted to be anyone's girlfriend - all I wanted was to be someone's boyfriend.
When I hit puberty, I understood my body was wrong kind. I didn't know how to deal with all the changes that were happening - and when I found myself having a crush on a woman, who always called me a "young woman" or "girl" or called my birth name... it made me want to die. I wanted her to call me by the right name I already had chosen. I knew, what would my name be, when I was 13-14 years old. I knew it, but I was too scared to talk about it. I planned telling my name to the woman I had a crush on, but I never did. She knows now, she understands now - she probably knows I had a crush on her, too, and that makes me feel kind of confused. I didn't want her to learn about that.
Few years later, I had the first crush on someone while I knew who I was. I was sure that I would get her as my girlfriend, and I dreamed about that always. I talked about her to my mother, I also made her understand I didn't want a girl-girl relationship because I wasn't girl. I also came out to my father, but he didn't listen to me. He didn't want to understand and he decided I was gay.
Few years later, I started using my real name. I came out to the girl I liked and we got closer. Instead of getting in relationship with her, I got together with another girl who seemed to like about me and accept me. But she didn't. All she wanted, was to make me understand I was gay. She wanted to show me I could be happy, living my life as a female. I almost ended up killing myself. So I left, I throw her out of my apartment, and got another crush on the previous girl. We got closer, but again, I ended up getting together with an another girl. This time an foreign girl who only wanted to try out something new - she was madly in love with another while we were together - and so was I. I actually was together with her, while I had two other crushes and a doctor trying to hit on me.
Next stop was to find a guy who thought we could have a future together. He wanted to come to my house, stay over night - sleeping in my bed, of course - and have me as his girl friend. He told me he wanted everything that I got, nothing that I was not. But he didn't understand he was talking to an another guy. I was damn scared of him, because I knew he could get in my town any night. He told me I had to choose - to be with him, or to talk about my feelings to my crush, who happened to be the one I mentioned before those other two girls, again. And when I disagreed with him, he wanted to get together with my crush! Yes, that bastard really said that out loud - not even knowing who I liked about, asking me to introduce them. He also was the first guy to ever beat me up after he found out I was a trans man. He was the one to teach me to fight so I knew what to do when the one, who tried to kill me, attacked me.
Those were the times when I thought I would always be alone. That I would never find a loving girlfriend who would really like about me, because of the true me. But here I am, sharing my home with the most awesome girl I've ever met. She made me feel like the man I was supposed to be, even before I started my transition. She's trying to understand me and my mood swings - even the high libido. When she's looking at me, she sees the most handsome man in this wold, and she never forgets to tell what she does see. She is my fiancee, the girl I will get married with.
sunnuntai 23. lokakuuta 2011
Surgery plans
Tonight, I have been feeling sleepless.
So, I have been spending time planning my surgeries. You might think it's crazy, but I want things to be clear as soon as possible, so I can just tell surgeon that I want him to do it. Now I'm sure, that phalloplasty is not what I want. I know I have been saying that's the only change, but now I realize it isn't.
I want to get metoidioplasty and then buy a MetoMango.
Should I already start saving money? ;)
So, I have been spending time planning my surgeries. You might think it's crazy, but I want things to be clear as soon as possible, so I can just tell surgeon that I want him to do it. Now I'm sure, that phalloplasty is not what I want. I know I have been saying that's the only change, but now I realize it isn't.
I want to get metoidioplasty and then buy a MetoMango.
Should I already start saving money? ;)
lauantai 22. lokakuuta 2011
Changes, changes, changes
T: Nebido 1000/4ml every 10-12 weeks
On T for: 10 weeks
I've been on testosterone for 10 weeks and few days and I just had my second shot few days ago. I don't think my testosterone levels got too low before the another shot - as I wasn't being too bitchy or anything, only thing I noticed during the last days, was that I was being extremely tired! Need to pay attention to that in 9 weeks again and see if that might have something to do with low testosterone levels.
I bet you are all interested to hear what kind of changes I have had, right? And as you probably understood from the title of this post - I'm going to talk about them in this post. And I'm going to start right now.
First of all, the biggest change has happened inside of me. Before I started testosterone, I kind of tried to act like the man I thought I was - now I am the man I always should have been, without acting out. Also, my mood is much better than it used to be - I find it so easy to smile nowadays and I'm also able to feel so much more than I used to before taking testosterone.
Another big thing I have noticed, is that the testosterone is kind of straightening me. Before taking testosterone, I used to be bi-curious, now I'm 100% straight. So if they tell you testosterone is going to make you gay - tell them it's not true. It might even make you more straight than you could ever think you could be!
Then, the part you probably are waiting the most - physical changes! I'm getting more muscle, which - of course - makes me look more athletic. And as I am kind of chubby, that doesn't really fit in the picture... but of course I'm happy about that! It's a T effect after all and I can - with my own choises - make it fit! My arms and legs are getting even more hairy, and now after two months I'm getting some hair in my face, too! I have a mustache! My face is changing its' shape, and I swear I have gotten few centimeter taller...
My voice has changed quite a lot in 10 weeks - I didn't really wait for it to change this much this quick! I can only imagine how will I sound few months later! Sexy, that's for sure! Another thing that is for sure, is that I will never be jealous of a male voices, anymore!
Another things I have noticed.. Let's start with libido, it really is getting higher, of course. And at some points I'm really being in trouble with that.. Because sometimes.. well, If I say it straight, I'm feeling like I could fuck everything that moves! Or everything that for some weird reason doesn't move.... And the little buddy downstairs has been growing a lot! I think I'll have a good situation later, when it's time for the surgery...
And there's few more things I'd like to mention - after 10 weeks, my sweat smells like the death, I sweat like a little pig and I'm also getting an acne.
On T for: 10 weeks
I've been on testosterone for 10 weeks and few days and I just had my second shot few days ago. I don't think my testosterone levels got too low before the another shot - as I wasn't being too bitchy or anything, only thing I noticed during the last days, was that I was being extremely tired! Need to pay attention to that in 9 weeks again and see if that might have something to do with low testosterone levels.
I bet you are all interested to hear what kind of changes I have had, right? And as you probably understood from the title of this post - I'm going to talk about them in this post. And I'm going to start right now.
First of all, the biggest change has happened inside of me. Before I started testosterone, I kind of tried to act like the man I thought I was - now I am the man I always should have been, without acting out. Also, my mood is much better than it used to be - I find it so easy to smile nowadays and I'm also able to feel so much more than I used to before taking testosterone.
Another big thing I have noticed, is that the testosterone is kind of straightening me. Before taking testosterone, I used to be bi-curious, now I'm 100% straight. So if they tell you testosterone is going to make you gay - tell them it's not true. It might even make you more straight than you could ever think you could be!
Then, the part you probably are waiting the most - physical changes! I'm getting more muscle, which - of course - makes me look more athletic. And as I am kind of chubby, that doesn't really fit in the picture... but of course I'm happy about that! It's a T effect after all and I can - with my own choises - make it fit! My arms and legs are getting even more hairy, and now after two months I'm getting some hair in my face, too! I have a mustache! My face is changing its' shape, and I swear I have gotten few centimeter taller...
My voice has changed quite a lot in 10 weeks - I didn't really wait for it to change this much this quick! I can only imagine how will I sound few months later! Sexy, that's for sure! Another thing that is for sure, is that I will never be jealous of a male voices, anymore!
Another things I have noticed.. Let's start with libido, it really is getting higher, of course. And at some points I'm really being in trouble with that.. Because sometimes.. well, If I say it straight, I'm feeling like I could fuck everything that moves! Or everything that for some weird reason doesn't move.... And the little buddy downstairs has been growing a lot! I think I'll have a good situation later, when it's time for the surgery...
And there's few more things I'd like to mention - after 10 weeks, my sweat smells like the death, I sweat like a little pig and I'm also getting an acne.
Thoughts about therapy
I wish I had someone to talk to.
I do have two therapist and they are both good at what they do, but they just can't understand me. Nobody, who isn't trans himself, can't really understand what it is to feel like this. They can't understand what am I talking about when I'm talking about dysphory. Also, they don't understand how big deal it is when I'm changing, when I'm becoming the person I always should have been!
That's why I feel frustrated to go there. I know they won't understand, and I also know that there is some things I know I should talk about, but I just feel I can't talk to those people. This is ridiculous.
I do have two therapist and they are both good at what they do, but they just can't understand me. Nobody, who isn't trans himself, can't really understand what it is to feel like this. They can't understand what am I talking about when I'm talking about dysphory. Also, they don't understand how big deal it is when I'm changing, when I'm becoming the person I always should have been!
That's why I feel frustrated to go there. I know they won't understand, and I also know that there is some things I know I should talk about, but I just feel I can't talk to those people. This is ridiculous.
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